By Olivia Parkinson
The end of a marriage is not always the most pleasant experience, but sometimes it’s the right one to have at that time. However, no matter how smoothly you plan and manage it, no matter how courteous both ex-partners are with one another, if there are children involved, they will be affected.
Ultimately, this decision could help them lead healthier, better, more grounded childhoods, free from the relationship tension at home that can come from warring parents. However, this “big picture view” is unlikely to be appreciated by a young mind, when the reasons for this happening may not seem acceptable in that framework.
If you find yourself in this situation, it’s important to note that you’re not deliberately inflicting this upon your children, and you shouldn’t feel guilty as such. However, it’s important to be realistic and know that your children will be affected by this process. What matters is how, the conduct they witness, and what life looks like for them after the split. Ultimately, they should be your highest priority.
In this post, we intend to help couples going through family court understand exactly how to process this experience without causing undue harm or bad memories, while also allowing their children to understand. It’s a difficult task, but one you can accomplish.
Encouraging open conversations about feelings
It’s important to understand that hiding behind the experience or not addressing it can make children feel even more concerned than they would be, only adding to the frustration. For this reason, it’s important to add a pressure release to the odd energy about the household and let your children talk about their feelings after they’ve been clearly told what’s going on.
Sometimes, this can help them avoid acting out with bad behavior at school. It might prevent you from feeling disconnected from your children. If both parents are involved, it can also help children understand that both parties are here for their well-being and no love is being lost or withdrawn here. That emotional maturity and openness can help you prevent many knock-on effects that cause issues later on down the line.
Routine provides predictability at an unpredictable time
Children are not only appreciative of routine, they need it. It gives them a sense of security and certainty, especially when other aspects of their life are changing or feel scary. During a divorce, keeping as much of their regular routine as possible can be incredibly comforting or at least help offset some of the worries..
This might mean sticking to usual bedtimes, mealtimes, and after-school activities, to use three examples. If your child usually has football practice on Tuesdays, try to keep that going. If they're used to having breakfast with both parents, see if you can maintain that, even if it means meeting at a neutral location as much as you can depending on the realistic nature of your divorce.
Of course, some changes will be unavoidable and it’s important to accept that. When these occur, try to introduce them gradually and explain them clearly. The goal is to show your children that while some things are changing, many important aspects of their lives will remain the same or shift to be assigned to one parent or the other.
That doesn’t mean you have to be rigid. If you can, be flexible when needed, but mostly try to stick to a stable framework for your children to rely on. It will help soothe a lot of the concerned energy in your household.
Reassuring them that they are not to blame
While it certainly has no bearing in reality, children often blame themselves for their parents' divorce. It's a usual reaction, even if it seems illogical to adults who have the full picture. They might think if they had behaved better or gotten better grades, the divorce wouldn't be happening.
It's hugely important to address this directly and straight away, confirmed by both parents. Tell your children clearly and repeatedly that the divorce is not their fault, and if anything they are helping you decide on a better future for you all. Explain that sometimes adults make decisions about their relationships that have nothing to do with their children and that you still appreciate one another.
You may need to be prepared to have this conversation more than once, unfortunately, but make time for it. Children may need frequent reassurance, especially as they process their emotions over time. Your continual message should be that both parents still love them that the divorce is an adult decision and that you’re both still going to stick around. Consider this a weed you have to cut from the root and replace with a healthier plant immediately.
Try to keep your arguments/disagreements out of it
Ultimately, parents are adults, and it’s their responsibility to make sure that even their most vital disagreements are conducted responsibly. It's natural for all divorcing couples to have disagreements, but it’s not natural to expect your children to deal with them and witness them.
Arguing in front of them or speaking negatively about the other parent can be deeply upsetting and confusing for a child, and it can affect them for years. Try to have those difficult conversations when the children aren't around.
If tensions rise unexpectedly, take a break or change the subject and make it clear that the kids are too important for this to be hashed out now. Keep in mind that your children don't need to know all the details of why you're separating.
When you do need to discuss divorce-related matters with your ex-partner, consider doing so via email or during scheduled phone calls when the children aren't present, or through family mediation or solicitors/lawyers. This helps maintain a peaceful environment for your kids.
If you're feeling frustrated, which is common, with all your might avoid using your children as messengers or asking them to take sides. It’s unfair on them, even if it feels like a valid emotional escape for you right now. Remember, what you dump on them, they will carry.
Keeping both parents involved in their lives
Unless there are safety concerns worth considering, it's generally best for children to keep strong relationships with both parents. This might mean creating a co-parenting plan that allows for regular contact with both of you and again, on a timeline they can rely on.
This means working out custody and visitation through your family court so there are obligations to meet instead of verbal disagreements that can be changed at will. Try to be flexible with visitation schedules if you can, and encourage your children to spend time with the other parent and never speak ill of them. It’s also important to remember that while a divorce is the ending of a commitment, bringing a child into the world is not something a rational person can opt out of, save for specific circumstances where it’s the healthiest option. So, share important information about school events, health issues, and other important matters so both parents can stay involved and you can still agree on a path forward.
If possible, attend important events together, like school plays or sports games too. This shows your children that despite the divorce, you're both still there for them. Ultimately, a child’s wellbeing is worth managing a distanced friendship with an ex-partner, even if that means dealing with some emotional turmoil on your own. This can also help prevent the disruption in your child’s lives.
Introducing a supportive professional, if needed
Sometimes, and despite your best efforts, your children might need extra support during this time. It’s hard to “perfect” this process, so don’t worry, that’s fine. It's okay to reach out to a professional, like a child psychologist or family therapist.
These experts are trained to provide a neutral space for your children to express their feelings. They also have healthy tools and techniques to help kids process complex emotions in healthy ways, even if that’s through art or another expressive format.
It’s important not to view this as a failure on your part. It’s hard to raise children even in perfect conditions, let alone during such a big life shift. If you can think of it as giving your children an additional resource to help them cope, and that might be appropraite outside of the household from time to time.
If you decide to go this route, be sure to involve your children in the decision, so they understand why this new norm is being pushed on them. Explain why you think it might be helpful and reassure them that it's not a punishment, more to help them express their own feelings. Let them know it's a safe place too, it will help them feel less frustrated by this new obligaton
Remember that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. It shows your children that it's okay to ask for support when facing challenges, and that they’re not silly for struggling with their emotions or even behavior this time. Put simply, it’s a gesture of friendship and can help them deal with negative feelings in a healthy way.
With this advice, we hope you can more easily help your children through divorce proceedings, even if that can be a tough experience for any family to go through. Prioritizing their wellbeing as a foremost priority is arguably the best approach.
